Spent last night in the doldrums of solitude. I guess it was about that time, I go through that on occasion. Not too often, but every now and then I do wish/want/need someone to come home to.
I’m a grown-up. I make my own decisions. I’ve made the decision lately to not be dating or at least to not actively pursue those options, but last night on the drive home I wanted to be going home to someone…not to an empty, quiet house. I tried to stay busy once I got home, but that didn’t last long. Cleaned one of my bikes, but spent most of the night sitting in front of my computer playing spades, hearts and backgammon online. Yup, that’s my exciting life down in Lonsdale.
Wasn’t even really looking forward to crawling into bed because I knew my body pillow just wouldn’t snuggle back the way I wanted it to.
I asked myself why I’m not dating. Others have asked why too. My answer to them has been I don’t have time. With all the running I’m doing lately and the demands of a marathon I feel like I don’t have the time or the little time I do have should be set aside for more training. I think that’s a cop-out answer. Truth be told, I think a more appropriate answer is that I’m a chicken (not too far removed from my turkey pals I’ve been meeting lately on my runs).
Dating back before my marriage was hard, stressful enough. Especially for someone who’s quiet and reserved. Throw onto that dating resume now the terms divorcee and single parent and that immediately minimizes the dating pool. Not knowing how someone feels about those 2 big issues I now carry with me makes me even more skittish to take the initiative, along with still being quiet and reserved. I’m the kind of person who usually likes to gather the facts before making a decision. I just can’t go up to a woman and say “hey, let’s go out” without knowing first if she’s interested in me and knows what baggage* I bring. That’s just the way I operate I guess, but it does make this part of my life harder.
I think people do need others in their life romantically, we shouldn’t go through life alone. Studies have shown that (I’m not going to take the time to quote or find ‘em though so you’ll just have to trust me). When I’m out in public or at social gatherings I notice other couples and their interaction and wish I was with someone too. I do want that romantic partner again, but am too chicken to do anything about it.
Oh well, that’s my sob story for tonight. Don’t feel sorry for me, that wasn’t the purpose of the post. I’ve made my own decisions and will continue to do so.
Maybe I’m PMSing.
*Baggage is just an easy term to use. It in no way should imply my kids are an encumbrance or anything negative.
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