IM Is Easy In Comparison!

I think I’m embarking on something more daunting, scarier, harder and definitely more unknown to me than Ironman. I’m attempting to jump back into the world of dating. Up until a couple of weeks ago, it's probably been 3+ years since I’ve been on a date and even that recent outing needs an asterisk as it wasn’t anything official. More on that in a bit. I haven’t been opposed to dating over the past 3 years, just haven’t focused on it. I bit the bullet the other day and signed up for a Match.com 6 month membership, give it an honest effort. Skimming through all the profiles; trying to decide what to write for my profile that describes me yet will also attract someone I’m interested in; fretting over what to write in an email to a prospect that will entice her to want to write back – all that is hard work! Doing this part of the mating game isn’t particularly fun for a guy like me, but I know it’s necessary in order to get to where I want to be, and that’s to have a significant other in my life again. I miss “her”, whoever “she” is.

If you know me, you know I don’t talk much. I feel though, deeply. I know what love is and I want to feel that with someone again. I’m ready and I don’t want to waste any more time. 6 years is too long to go without romance. I know I want someone here with me. After the big D, I’ve felt the necessary feelings to know that. I’ve expressed those feelings. I’ve felt sorrow when those feelings haven’t been reciprocated. I need to grow a thicker shell, but at the same time continue to stick my neck out so as the rejections come in I don’t slink back in to my comfort zone of saying “I don’t have time/interest/money/desire to date”. I know with the way the online dating system works there are going to be more rejections before things even have a chance of getting started than there will be potential dates. Just the nature of the beast, it’s a game of numbers. It doesn’t mean I have to like it, but I better get used to it and learn how to cope with it.

The *outing* I alluded to was just that, a social outing with a friend with no romantic pretense. Well, that’s not totally true. I may have had multiple motives, but I didn’t let her in on them so as to not make things uncomfortable. The night was advertised as a celebration of things we both had recently accomplished, just friends going out. As the night wore on things were going great and I started seriously thinking “why not”? I got butterflies. I got giddy. I couldn’t sleep. I was smiling and I was thinking this is nice to be feeling these feelings! To make a long story short, I did ask her out, she sounded interested, but after a few days of not being able to plan anything the answer became apparent. You win some, you lose some, I thought, at least I threw it out there and I emotionally moved on.

That turned out not to be totally true too and that surprised me. I eventually did receive verification from her that we wouldn’t be going out. It saddened me to actually hear it, but I wonder why. I thought I had already moved on and it’s not like we had even started any sort of romantic relationship yet to move on from. It’s strange to feel feelings for something that isn’t even there. Maybe it's just wanting what I can't have. That’s the part of dating that sucks – trying to figure out when to open your heart so you can move a relationship forward, needing to expose yourself first in order for something to develop later, and when not to so as to protect yourself.

And therein lies my Catch-22. I think of myself as a romantic so I’m destined to open my heart sooner, but am I just setting myself up to getting it knocked around? If Ironman has taught me anything though I guess it’s perseverance and to keep plodding along. I’ll keep at this dating thing until I find “her”, have to keep at it! I have too much to offer “her” to not have “her” here with me.